Yes, trans people can have lasting relationships too. I’m in a long term relationship in which I came out as trans. I was terrified, but it went well! I came out to him before I really understood what was going on with me.
I had heard the narrative that coming out as trans would ruin my marriage and my family, and it held me back for more than a decade. Thankfully I was wrong. It certainly wasn't easy to have those hard conversations with my wife and kids, but we muddled through. In the end I think we learned to love one another more openly and honestly. It's still a work in progress, but so is any relationship.
Being trans, coming out, living authenticly... These things don't end a relationship. They open a door. You can walk through it together or not. Thank you for demonstrating that the old narrative isn't true, and that we need to build a new narrative focused on truth and joy.
Thank you so much for this post, Rey. I came out to my cis girlfriend about a year ago and was terrified. However, she told me that she loved ME, even if that meant I wanted to transition. As trans people, we don't become new people after coming out/transitioning, we become more of our true selves. Despite how scary it can be to come out to a partner, I agree with you that it is absolutely possible to maintain love in whatever capacity that might look like! <3
Thanks very much for reading and sharing, Elle! That's such a great way to put it, that we become more of our true selves. I'm so glad your girlfriend was supportive!
Thank you for writing this, Rey. I entered a relationship with a cis-gendered, heterosexual woman who loves my trans-ness as integral part of our connection. I am learning much from femininity from her; she is learning trans-ness from me. It is a wonderful journey.
Coming out to my partner of 20+ years was hard for both of us. Why after 20 years? Probably because some really hard things happened (unrelated physical illness and a few other really big events), and we could not figure out how to communicate.
I wasn't deliberately hiding anything but we weren't creating a supportive space for each other.
So during the early days of the pandemic I started exploring on my own and pretty quickly knew I had to come out.
She would say my coming out was the end. I would say that we handled my coming out the way we'd handled everything else to that point.
How is coming out going to impact your relationship? Ask yourself to honestly assess how you handle every other "couples" decision that you face.
Lastly, if you want to try and make things work. Know there are support groups (often online) for partners of people who are coming out. I've talked with a few super successful couples and they both felt that the groups helped. They each h said that the groups split into two subgroups, spouses who wanted to be supportive while working through their own emotional worlds and spouses who couldn't at that time get past their anger/feelings of betrayal. The anger/betrayal spouses tended to leave with the relationships failing while the others stayed in touch forming life long friendships.
Thanks so much for sharing, Shayne. That's very insightful that the other "couples" decisions in a relationship can be an indicator to how coming out might go. Good point about support groups. I think it can be very helpful to discuss things with people who aren't your partner sometimes.
Wow! Such a thoughtful and informative essay. Rey. Thank you.
I love learning and you're explaining things that I wish I knew 50 years ago. I'll be 72 in the summer and lived in Hollywood 30 years and San Francisco for 35 years. I've encountered many fluid genders and people with all sorts of preferences and never understood it as well as you describe it here. Growing up in Hollywood granted me with a good bushel of tolerance that a lot of other cisgendered males do not have. I had a lot of experience in stories and unfortunately some of them are quite sad. Thank you for the enlightenment!
I had heard the narrative that coming out as trans would ruin my marriage and my family, and it held me back for more than a decade. Thankfully I was wrong. It certainly wasn't easy to have those hard conversations with my wife and kids, but we muddled through. In the end I think we learned to love one another more openly and honestly. It's still a work in progress, but so is any relationship.
Being trans, coming out, living authenticly... These things don't end a relationship. They open a door. You can walk through it together or not. Thank you for demonstrating that the old narrative isn't true, and that we need to build a new narrative focused on truth and joy.
Thanks so much for sharing, Robin! I really appreciate your perspective.
Thank you so much for this post, Rey. I came out to my cis girlfriend about a year ago and was terrified. However, she told me that she loved ME, even if that meant I wanted to transition. As trans people, we don't become new people after coming out/transitioning, we become more of our true selves. Despite how scary it can be to come out to a partner, I agree with you that it is absolutely possible to maintain love in whatever capacity that might look like! <3
Thanks very much for reading and sharing, Elle! That's such a great way to put it, that we become more of our true selves. I'm so glad your girlfriend was supportive!
Thank you for writing this, Rey. I entered a relationship with a cis-gendered, heterosexual woman who loves my trans-ness as integral part of our connection. I am learning much from femininity from her; she is learning trans-ness from me. It is a wonderful journey.
Abby, that's lovely that you have this supportive relationship where you can learn from each other. Beautiful. Thanks for sharing!
Coming out to my partner of 20+ years was hard for both of us. Why after 20 years? Probably because some really hard things happened (unrelated physical illness and a few other really big events), and we could not figure out how to communicate.
I wasn't deliberately hiding anything but we weren't creating a supportive space for each other.
So during the early days of the pandemic I started exploring on my own and pretty quickly knew I had to come out.
She would say my coming out was the end. I would say that we handled my coming out the way we'd handled everything else to that point.
How is coming out going to impact your relationship? Ask yourself to honestly assess how you handle every other "couples" decision that you face.
Lastly, if you want to try and make things work. Know there are support groups (often online) for partners of people who are coming out. I've talked with a few super successful couples and they both felt that the groups helped. They each h said that the groups split into two subgroups, spouses who wanted to be supportive while working through their own emotional worlds and spouses who couldn't at that time get past their anger/feelings of betrayal. The anger/betrayal spouses tended to leave with the relationships failing while the others stayed in touch forming life long friendships.
Thanks so much for sharing, Shayne. That's very insightful that the other "couples" decisions in a relationship can be an indicator to how coming out might go. Good point about support groups. I think it can be very helpful to discuss things with people who aren't your partner sometimes.
As usual, your clear and encouraging perspectives give me a lot of hope for my kids. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Alle! I'm so glad this left you encouraged and hopeful. That's beautiful.
Keep up the excellent work.
Wow! Such a thoughtful and informative essay. Rey. Thank you.
I love learning and you're explaining things that I wish I knew 50 years ago. I'll be 72 in the summer and lived in Hollywood 30 years and San Francisco for 35 years. I've encountered many fluid genders and people with all sorts of preferences and never understood it as well as you describe it here. Growing up in Hollywood granted me with a good bushel of tolerance that a lot of other cisgendered males do not have. I had a lot of experience in stories and unfortunately some of them are quite sad. Thank you for the enlightenment!
Thanks so much for reading, Stephen! I also used to live in the Bay Area, but for "only" eight years.