Does anyone love their name?

You don't have to love your name, it just needs to be comfortable

I had to choose my name before I could start writing about myself. I didn't know how much using my birth name was holding me back, a very nice name that made my stomach clench.

I had, statistically, as feminine coded a name as is possible. Apparently, zero boys were given my birth name in my birth year. And I didn't consider myself a girl, but not quite a boy either. I wanted (needed) to pick a new name so I wasn't misgendering myself every time I tried to talk about my work, either in tech or writing.

I made lists of gender neutral to masculine names. I tried them on, mentally. I wanted a name that would be easy for people to say. I wanted to be able to purchase the domain name (reykatz.com for example).

I chose my name with some of the same considerations if one names a product or company. Because I know how to do that, and I wanted to give myself a good shot at the top of the search results. Too mercenary? Or just taking advantage of the opportunity of changing my name as an entrepreneurial adult?

I chose “Rey” because I really just needed to make a decision and move on.

I never loved any of the name choices. Too many advantages and disadvantages of each.

Some people think you should really love your own name, especially if you have chosen it yourself. I'm not sure that's a requirement. My requirements are: I feel relatively comfortable with the name and it works for people to identify me with.

I wasn't aware of all the disadvantages of my name until years after I started to use it. I'm still discovering new ways people can turn my name feminine, which I don’t love.

I bought some burritos at Taco Bell (cheesy bean and rice burrito, no cheese, grilled, fresco). When they called out my name for the order, I hardly recognized it. They yelled, “Rye?” (Like the bread.) Even the person calling out sounded quizzical.

I know how they turned Rey into Rye. It's not a typo. It's because the cashier spelled it Rae, and then someone who speaks Spanish pronounces that Rah-ee.

I didn't realize my name had separate masculine (Ray) and feminine (Rae) spellings until a few years in. Fascinating. The need to gender everything goes deep.

It’s really hard to present yourself as gender-neutral if other people consistently try to emphasize that you’re female (or male).

The other question I get occasionally is, “is Rey short for Rachel?” And no, it isn’t… But I did find out that Rachel means “ewe (female sheep) or friend of ewes”. That’s nice. I do consider myself a friend of sheep.

I wanted to choose a name that didn’t have bad connotations for me, like a movie villain or person I didn’t get along with. I mostly succeeded, except for one overlap: a friend’s ex-husband. Oops.

I struggled with having the self confidence to publish my writing or advertise my services as a freelancer, before I changed my name. To sell your work, you need to be able to say your name stands for something helpful, useful, high quality, that you stand behind. I couldn't, with my old name.

I even had a fantasy at one point that I could pretend to be a man on the internet for remote work. Maybe my customers wouldn't need to talk to me. It was a weird scenario, involving hiding myself further. Today, I am happy to express myself with a gender neutral name and share so much of myself online, who I really am. Much more comfortable.

For some people, it may be impossible to find a name we love. That’s okay. Most people didn’t even choose their own name. I suspect most people feel comfortable with their names. That’s good enough.

Check out He/She/They by Schuyler Bailar!

I loved this book so much! In He/She/They: How We Talk About Gender and Why It Matters (Amazon affiliate link), Schuyler Bailar shares his own story of coming out as a trans man, swimming as the first openly transgender athlete on an NCAA Division 1 team, and finding the confidence to express his true self to teammates, friends, and family. I cried more than once (in a good way) reading the first chapter. Reading this book felt like an intimate conversation with a trusted friend. 

A talented storyteller, Bailar now educates audiences internationally to raise positive awareness and understanding of trans people. A trans person drove six hours to meet Bailar at one of his talks because hearing Bailar’s story saved his life. A cisgender (not trans) audience member said he now understood we are all not that different. These stories matter because trans people, like anyone else, deserve our love and respect.

In He/She/They, Bailar explains how to use respectful language for trans people, the surprisingly complicated biology of gender, and answers many questions about what it’s really like to be trans. As a trans and nonbinary person myself, I am so impressed by how Bailar fields tough, even insulting questions with love and patience. If you are trans, have a trans loved one, or simply wish to better understand what it’s like to be trans, I highly recommend reading He/She/They.

Check it out on Amazon (affiliate link), your favorite bookseller, or at your local library!

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