So, when *is* the perfect time to tell your date? Despite what “people from the internet” would like us to believe, trans people are not required to disclose their transness on a date or otherwise.
As a het-cis ally, I'm still just a little shocked at how often I'm brought up short by a description like this one (beautifully explained, by the way) when it hits me (yet again) that in the het-cis world, it doesn't occur to us that there's an entire dimension of topics that trans people need/want to talk about, and be clear about. And that's in addition to the things we all need/want to talk about. For example: "Some trans people don’t want to have to teach Trans 101 when they were just hoping for a nice dinner and a movie." Het-cis people don't need to explain each other's gender or orientation to each other; they can take it for granted. I wish more of us made an effort to understand that this isn't the case for everyone.
Hi, Rey, you know I love everything you write, and have the utmost respect for you. It is because of my respect for you that I feel inclined to request that you re-consider using words like "wacko." I know enough about you from your writing to know you mean no harm, and I trust completely that you have only compassionate and honest intentions. Therefore, I hope you will take my suggestion in the spirit of mutual respect in which it is intended. "Wacko" is one of many words related to "crazy" that has significant potential for perpetuating ableist cultural beliefs/attitudes about brain/mind-related conditions that are not considered "normal" by dominant cultural standards. If you would like to find other words to use instead, my favorite go-to is Autistic Hoya's Ableism/Language list: https://www.autistichoya.com/p/ableist-words-and-terms-to-avoid.html. In addition to explaining why certain words/phrases can be ableist, they list many possible other words that can be used instead. It's a great resource. Thanks!
Hi LC, thanks for your suggestion and for sharing this resource. Good to know that "wacko" is ableist. I avoid using "crazy" and some other related words to not perpetuate mental health stigma but this one slipped under the radar. I have updated the post to remove the word. I appreciate you doing the work to educate me. Thank you!
Thank you for this Rey. I’d like to talk more about my experience here, but I need to respect someone’s privacy. Let’s just say it’s all good, and leave it at that. 😊
Thanks for sharing this. I've got plenty of gay friends and a few who are trans and there have definitely been times when I'm curious about how they are meeting/dating people, but feel it's not respectful (for lack of a better word) to ask.
As ever Rey, your writing - and the ease and warmth with which you view life and Humans In General - makes you one of the joys of this net we call inter. Thanks for sharing - it’s never less than brilliant fuel for reflection. Cheers!
As a het-cis ally, I'm still just a little shocked at how often I'm brought up short by a description like this one (beautifully explained, by the way) when it hits me (yet again) that in the het-cis world, it doesn't occur to us that there's an entire dimension of topics that trans people need/want to talk about, and be clear about. And that's in addition to the things we all need/want to talk about. For example: "Some trans people don’t want to have to teach Trans 101 when they were just hoping for a nice dinner and a movie." Het-cis people don't need to explain each other's gender or orientation to each other; they can take it for granted. I wish more of us made an effort to understand that this isn't the case for everyone.
Thanks so much for reading and sharing your thoughtful perspective, Robin!
So much wisdom here!
Thanks so much for reading, Mary!
Hi, Rey, you know I love everything you write, and have the utmost respect for you. It is because of my respect for you that I feel inclined to request that you re-consider using words like "wacko." I know enough about you from your writing to know you mean no harm, and I trust completely that you have only compassionate and honest intentions. Therefore, I hope you will take my suggestion in the spirit of mutual respect in which it is intended. "Wacko" is one of many words related to "crazy" that has significant potential for perpetuating ableist cultural beliefs/attitudes about brain/mind-related conditions that are not considered "normal" by dominant cultural standards. If you would like to find other words to use instead, my favorite go-to is Autistic Hoya's Ableism/Language list: https://www.autistichoya.com/p/ableist-words-and-terms-to-avoid.html. In addition to explaining why certain words/phrases can be ableist, they list many possible other words that can be used instead. It's a great resource. Thanks!
Hi LC, thanks for your suggestion and for sharing this resource. Good to know that "wacko" is ableist. I avoid using "crazy" and some other related words to not perpetuate mental health stigma but this one slipped under the radar. I have updated the post to remove the word. I appreciate you doing the work to educate me. Thank you!
Thank you! I appreciate you being open to the information. You are a true ally.
Thank you for this Rey. I’d like to talk more about my experience here, but I need to respect someone’s privacy. Let’s just say it’s all good, and leave it at that. 😊
Thanks so much for reading, Ken! Respecting people's privacy is really important! Sounds like a good call.
Thanks for sharing this. I've got plenty of gay friends and a few who are trans and there have definitely been times when I'm curious about how they are meeting/dating people, but feel it's not respectful (for lack of a better word) to ask.
Thanks so much for reading, Kim! I'm glad this article answered some questions you may have.
As ever Rey, your writing - and the ease and warmth with which you view life and Humans In General - makes you one of the joys of this net we call inter. Thanks for sharing - it’s never less than brilliant fuel for reflection. Cheers!
Thanks so much, Matt! I'm glad this article brought you some joy.