How to be friends

That trust and connection we don't always get online

Sometimes a friend comes to me and says, I have a problem. Can I talk through it with you?

I often say yes.

I'm so impressed that someone wants to talk through a problem. That shows trust, and a real connection. No, it builds trust and a real connection.

I wonder why we are taught to not complain, not mention what we are going through. Well, men are taught complaining about work (to their significant other only) is okay. But that's not the same as processing an interpersonal situation with a friend.

When I have a problem my mind often goes more blank than anything else. I don't feel like reaching out or figuring out the words to express what's going on to another person. I feel ashamed, insecure, like hiding. So I hide.

A friend wrote down the story of her problem, on paper, and read from it. I was so impressed at how beautifully she expressed herself and her feelings.

Ten years ago, I used to email friends about my problems. Email felt like a nice, long message, with no need for eye contact or tone of voice (which I find to be a distraction from being able to express my story sometimes).

Today, email has become stressful. My inbox is full of various business-type messages from people I don’t particularly know well. When I do get a personal message mixed in with the work projects, it actually stresses me out even more. I feel anxious about having to try to make a connection through the format of email. Especially if someone asks me, in a caring way, “how are you?” it's so hard to know what to say.

If someone tells me about their website issue in an email, I know how to respond and how to help diagnose and fix the problem. But I am not accustomed to writing long emails about my life anymore. I used to, but now the thought of writing back just makes me anxious and avoid replying at all, which feels like I'm failing to communicate. I am failing at it, and I also feel really bad about it.

I try to push myself to share what's going on with me sometimes even if I don't have plans to meet up with a friend.

Support groups are an interesting way to fill this gap. When I share my problems with a good support group, I feel relief of being listened to, and I often get some good, practical advice. But what's missing? The anonymous nature of support groups means that only a few people become friends outside of the group. Sharing my problem with like-minded strangers does not inherently build a friendship.

Then we get to online friends. I’m not talking about friends who I moved away from and chat with on the phone occasionally. I’m talking about people who I consider friends who I have never seen in real life. I’m specifically talking about the people I have never asked to help me with anything.

I’m grateful to a number of excellent writers who have supported me virtually, through calls, emails, WhatsApp voice notes, Google doc comments, etc. But then there’s people who are part of my community, but our interactions are limited to comment threads, theoretical discussions, sharing some life stories, but in a way that’s telling a story. If I was having a true problem, I wouldn’t reach out to any of the people I spend a lot of my social time writing comments back and forth with.

This social construct is not THE problem with social media, but it is one of MY problems with social media. Social media is terrible for forming actual friendships, for me.

But I wouldn’t want to participate in social media where we publicly share our deeper secrets and issues.

I also feel that email is generally, very bad at forming friendships. It’s a decent way to keep in touch with people on occasion. It’s a fairly good way to conduct business. But it’s too formal and stressful these days to feel like a chat to get closer to someone.

Perhaps the phone call or video call is a solution. I’m also a fan of voice notes, in some cases. I wish more of my friends exchanged voice notes with me. Maybe I will figure out how to introduce that someday.

Going out in nature fills some of these needs for me, not exactly social, but being able to express myself to beings that are part of my community.

I feel echoes of the emotions and especially the pain I felt in places when I go back. The Charles River, the redwoods, the trail through the woods where I injured my hip. I feel scared that it might happen again. I also remember the awe I felt, looking across a great canyon or placing my hand on a very old tree (a mother tree, perhaps, like the book of that title).

Walking along the river, I feel my metaphorical tears flowing mixed with the water among the crayfish and algae. I can't control the river. But I don't have to control myself. I don't have to smile and say things are okay when they are not.

A good friend can be like the river, but we can both be the river and the walker to each other, in turn.

Making friends is not easy. You need to be socially competent enough at small talk, trivialities, until you start to be familiar with someone you didn't previously know. Then you are acquaintances.

To become friends, one person needs to trust the other, far before they have shown they are trustworthy. One person needs to say, I want to talk about something real with you. And the other person needs to choose to say, yes, tell me.

Thanks so much for reading!

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Take care,

Rey