Thanks Rey!! You hit the mark for me. I am an ally but sometimes it is not easy to call up gender neutral pronouns and vocabulary. So I might stumble and feel bad that I have used the wrong word even if nobody was affected by it. Your solution is very sensitive and I appreciate it a lot. I will try to execute as I do with they and them which now comes more naturally than it used to. With respect, Gary
Thanks so much, Gary, for reading and commenting. I am glad this was helpful and interesting. I really appreciate your perspective and your kind feedback. That means a lot to me!
Rey, I like your idea of practicing they/them pronouns with pets. Many of my neighbors have dogs. Upon being introduced, I used to ask if the dog was a "he" or a "she." After 60+ years of inquiring, I decided neighbors' pets' genders are not important to me. Now I simply say 'hi' and ask the owner, "how are 'they' doing?" Trying to remember animal genders is no longer an issue, and the owners (and dogs) don't seem to mind. As a bonus, as you suggested, saying "they/them" re people that prefer that has become easier and more natural.
Thanks Rey and H Katz, I’ve been feeling weird (in a bad way) about our obsession with canine genders, on top of other humans’ gender. ‘They’ is a great solution when greeting dogs & their humans. I find it helpful to be less gender specific generally. If I’m telling an innocuous anecdote that includes ‘a friend’ I will use ‘they’ because for the purpose of this anecdote their gender is irrelevant.
This is sooo clever!! In Dutch there is no word for sibling, only brother or sister. I always thought this as very annoying.
Same goes for the words ‘neef’ and ‘nicht’ (they mean both nephew and niece, but they also mean cousin!) very confusing, you always have to explain if you’re an aunt or cousin.. and for cousin there also is no gender neutral term..
So I’m definitely gonna use your brilliant start of a sentence: I’m ……‘s mother/cousin etc. Thanks!!🙏
Thanks so much for reading and commenting, Gon! I'm really glad you found this helpful.
That's interesting to learn about the words in Dutch - thanks for sharing. I wonder why all these relationship words have no gender-neutral form. Is it because in our cultures people see gender as part of the relationship? I don't know, honestly. 🤔
Excellent! Now - help me out. A less formal way to say, "this is KT, they're my ....erm, spouse". We do need to sort all these things out. I have a NB friend known to their siblings' kids as the "aren't".... Not an aunty, but not an uncle either. And ain't is ludicrous that language forces us to have to do this. Literally prisoners of language.
Thanks for reading, Caroline! Hmm, I've definitely heard lots of people say "this is my spouse" and I don't think of it as overly formal. But some other gender neutral options could be, "I'm KT's wife/spouse/husband", "KT is my other half", "This is KT, we've been happily married for x years". Any of those sound better to you?
This is both simple and brilliant, Rey - and accessible to anyone. What a wonderful suggestion. I definitely struggle with not wanting to make other people feel awkward or uncomfortable, so I accept a lot of misgendering that feels shitty. I really appreciate the thought you've put into this.
Thanks so much for reading and sharing your experience, Phoenix! I appreciate you.
The struggle is real...I definitely feel torn between not wanting to make other people feel uncomfortable, like you said, and wanting to feel comfortable myself. It's hard!
I'm glad this helped, and thanks for your kind feedback!
Rey, what a great topic for all of us! I wish our language options were better for everyone so that we wouldn't need to feel awkward or uncomfortable in these situations. I know my wife has really struggled with what to call me (spouse? partner?), and she has certainly leaned into just saying that she is my wife. My kids only ever call me their "dad" when they talk to people outside of our friend/family zone, so that always feels kind of strange to me, but how many people would understand that "Papi" (or "Poppy" as the kids spell it) fits me so much better in a more gender-nuanced way?
Thanks so much for reading and sharing your experience, Robin! I really appreciate this.
Your wife describing herself as your wife is a great example of describing the other person's relationship rather than using gendered terms for you.
At least for me, certain terms like dad or father have a lot of cultural or familial weight that's not even about the gender of the term. I can totally understand Papi fitting better than Dad for some people. If it works, that's great!
i have somehow attracted a bunch of trans folks into my circle, many of whom are NB. one of them loves being referred to as “they-friend” or “they-pal” as a replacement for other terms. so i use that kinda often because it gives them all the good non-binary feels.
i became VERY uncomfortable being called “dad” by my kiddos, especially in public, however they took to using Mommo(mom-oh) very easily and no one seems confused when they refer to me as their Mommo? so that’s pretty cool and i’m very grateful for that!
spouse and i are figuring out divorce stuff, but we’ll be cohabiting the house for the foreseeable future , and trying to refer to each other as Platonic Life Partner. it seems to lay the situation out for people pretty clearly?
I truly hope new words will exist soon to accommodate the fact that we are not all het-cis. I don't know enough ppl whose pronoun is "they" to get enough practice, so sometimes I struggle. I have to think it would be easier (for me, at least) if there were a singular pronoun other than he/she. I have had occasion, though, to introduce an NB friend to people who knew their parents. I was prepared in advance, and I said (changing names), "This is my friend Lyn. Jane and John Doe are their parents." When language catches up to reality, my preparation won't be necessary or even helpful. Full steam ahead for those days!
I think that's great how you introduced your friend. Great example of describing the other person's relationship to them.
It can really help to practice using "they" and "them" like you said. If you don't have a lot of friends or community who use they/them, maybe talking about a movie or book character could help? Or give a pet they/them pronouns, at least temporarily? But it seems like you're already on top of all of this!
Awesome, Rey! How very clever and appropriate to tell my own damn side of the story and let others tell theirs. It's such an elegant solution to a problem that just shouldn't be with our language. Thank you, thank you!
Thanks for reading! I have an un-grandmother who I love, but is not a relative. Maybe that would work for you? It also seems fair to just say "grandma" ... I don't think it's that unusual to refer to someone like this who's not technically your biological grandchild.
I’ve been doing this a while and it’s really helpful. Except when I’m also non-binary and either way round is typically gendered (my ex-wife’s brother’s youngest IDd as non-binary for a while (has now moved to binary trans ID) and there was no easy way to do that - especially as you can see in the write out of the relationship. Now I can just say he’s my nephew but before I had to use one of the newer terms either way. Not a massive hardship! But it’s been helpful to do when one of the relationship directions isn’t gendered
That’s a great point that if you use gender-neutral words to describe yourself, the relationship might be easier described from them to you. Thanks so much for reading and sharing!
Thank you! I recently become the aunt of a much loved niece, and had been tripping over words to reflect her transition (not tripping over love). What a simple way to approach this and I'll share with the family. ❤️
Thanks Rey!! You hit the mark for me. I am an ally but sometimes it is not easy to call up gender neutral pronouns and vocabulary. So I might stumble and feel bad that I have used the wrong word even if nobody was affected by it. Your solution is very sensitive and I appreciate it a lot. I will try to execute as I do with they and them which now comes more naturally than it used to. With respect, Gary
Thanks so much, Gary, for reading and commenting. I am glad this was helpful and interesting. I really appreciate your perspective and your kind feedback. That means a lot to me!
Rey, I like your idea of practicing they/them pronouns with pets. Many of my neighbors have dogs. Upon being introduced, I used to ask if the dog was a "he" or a "she." After 60+ years of inquiring, I decided neighbors' pets' genders are not important to me. Now I simply say 'hi' and ask the owner, "how are 'they' doing?" Trying to remember animal genders is no longer an issue, and the owners (and dogs) don't seem to mind. As a bonus, as you suggested, saying "they/them" re people that prefer that has become easier and more natural.
I really love this! Thank you for sharing. I think that's a great idea to use 'they' for a dog instead of asking the owner if they're a 'he' or 'she'.
Thanks Rey and H Katz, I’ve been feeling weird (in a bad way) about our obsession with canine genders, on top of other humans’ gender. ‘They’ is a great solution when greeting dogs & their humans. I find it helpful to be less gender specific generally. If I’m telling an innocuous anecdote that includes ‘a friend’ I will use ‘they’ because for the purpose of this anecdote their gender is irrelevant.
Wow, what a great idea, Rey! Really appreciate the clear explanation 💜
(And also, I’m surprised that it never occurred to me how many of our relationship words use gendered terms!!)
Thanks so much for reading and commenting, Amanda! I'm really glad this was helpful.
It is interesting how many relationship words are gendered. I'm not sure why, actually. 🤔
This is sooo clever!! In Dutch there is no word for sibling, only brother or sister. I always thought this as very annoying.
Same goes for the words ‘neef’ and ‘nicht’ (they mean both nephew and niece, but they also mean cousin!) very confusing, you always have to explain if you’re an aunt or cousin.. and for cousin there also is no gender neutral term..
So I’m definitely gonna use your brilliant start of a sentence: I’m ……‘s mother/cousin etc. Thanks!!🙏
Thanks so much for reading and commenting, Gon! I'm really glad you found this helpful.
That's interesting to learn about the words in Dutch - thanks for sharing. I wonder why all these relationship words have no gender-neutral form. Is it because in our cultures people see gender as part of the relationship? I don't know, honestly. 🤔
Excellent! Now - help me out. A less formal way to say, "this is KT, they're my ....erm, spouse". We do need to sort all these things out. I have a NB friend known to their siblings' kids as the "aren't".... Not an aunty, but not an uncle either. And ain't is ludicrous that language forces us to have to do this. Literally prisoners of language.
Thanks for reading, Caroline! Hmm, I've definitely heard lots of people say "this is my spouse" and I don't think of it as overly formal. But some other gender neutral options could be, "I'm KT's wife/spouse/husband", "KT is my other half", "This is KT, we've been happily married for x years". Any of those sound better to you?
I love "aren't" ... so clever!
Or how about the term Partner?? I use it for my beloved and it has worked well for us! 🥰
This is both simple and brilliant, Rey - and accessible to anyone. What a wonderful suggestion. I definitely struggle with not wanting to make other people feel awkward or uncomfortable, so I accept a lot of misgendering that feels shitty. I really appreciate the thought you've put into this.
Thanks so much for reading and sharing your experience, Phoenix! I appreciate you.
The struggle is real...I definitely feel torn between not wanting to make other people feel uncomfortable, like you said, and wanting to feel comfortable myself. It's hard!
I'm glad this helped, and thanks for your kind feedback!
Rey, what a great topic for all of us! I wish our language options were better for everyone so that we wouldn't need to feel awkward or uncomfortable in these situations. I know my wife has really struggled with what to call me (spouse? partner?), and she has certainly leaned into just saying that she is my wife. My kids only ever call me their "dad" when they talk to people outside of our friend/family zone, so that always feels kind of strange to me, but how many people would understand that "Papi" (or "Poppy" as the kids spell it) fits me so much better in a more gender-nuanced way?
Thanks so much for reading and sharing your experience, Robin! I really appreciate this.
Your wife describing herself as your wife is a great example of describing the other person's relationship rather than using gendered terms for you.
At least for me, certain terms like dad or father have a lot of cultural or familial weight that's not even about the gender of the term. I can totally understand Papi fitting better than Dad for some people. If it works, that's great!
i have somehow attracted a bunch of trans folks into my circle, many of whom are NB. one of them loves being referred to as “they-friend” or “they-pal” as a replacement for other terms. so i use that kinda often because it gives them all the good non-binary feels.
i became VERY uncomfortable being called “dad” by my kiddos, especially in public, however they took to using Mommo(mom-oh) very easily and no one seems confused when they refer to me as their Mommo? so that’s pretty cool and i’m very grateful for that!
spouse and i are figuring out divorce stuff, but we’ll be cohabiting the house for the foreseeable future , and trying to refer to each other as Platonic Life Partner. it seems to lay the situation out for people pretty clearly?
I truly hope new words will exist soon to accommodate the fact that we are not all het-cis. I don't know enough ppl whose pronoun is "they" to get enough practice, so sometimes I struggle. I have to think it would be easier (for me, at least) if there were a singular pronoun other than he/she. I have had occasion, though, to introduce an NB friend to people who knew their parents. I was prepared in advance, and I said (changing names), "This is my friend Lyn. Jane and John Doe are their parents." When language catches up to reality, my preparation won't be necessary or even helpful. Full steam ahead for those days!
Thanks so much for reading and commenting, Robin!
I think that's great how you introduced your friend. Great example of describing the other person's relationship to them.
It can really help to practice using "they" and "them" like you said. If you don't have a lot of friends or community who use they/them, maybe talking about a movie or book character could help? Or give a pet they/them pronouns, at least temporarily? But it seems like you're already on top of all of this!
On top, no. Maybe intentionally on top, at least. Thanks for the encouragement and ideas!
I’m non-binary too, Rey. These are great ideas. Thanks!
Awesome, glad this was helpful! Thanks for reading and commenting!
Awesome, Rey! How very clever and appropriate to tell my own damn side of the story and let others tell theirs. It's such an elegant solution to a problem that just shouldn't be with our language. Thank you, thank you!
Yay! Thanks so much for reading and I am glad this was helpful!
Brilliant! But how to describe my sort-of granddaughter (child of my now deceased adopted daughter), who is trans...'I'm their sort-of grandma'?
Thanks for reading! I have an un-grandmother who I love, but is not a relative. Maybe that would work for you? It also seems fair to just say "grandma" ... I don't think it's that unusual to refer to someone like this who's not technically your biological grandchild.
Would you feel comfortable simply describing them as your grandchild? Even if they’re grown? 😃 Or Grandkid/kiddo?
Thank you for this. Even I struggle from time to time.
Thanks so much for reading and commenting! 🧡
I’ve been doing this a while and it’s really helpful. Except when I’m also non-binary and either way round is typically gendered (my ex-wife’s brother’s youngest IDd as non-binary for a while (has now moved to binary trans ID) and there was no easy way to do that - especially as you can see in the write out of the relationship. Now I can just say he’s my nephew but before I had to use one of the newer terms either way. Not a massive hardship! But it’s been helpful to do when one of the relationship directions isn’t gendered
That’s a great point that if you use gender-neutral words to describe yourself, the relationship might be easier described from them to you. Thanks so much for reading and sharing!
Thank you! I recently become the aunt of a much loved niece, and had been tripping over words to reflect her transition (not tripping over love). What a simple way to approach this and I'll share with the family. ❤️
Love that you are using the correct gendered words here! Thanks so much for supporting your niece. 🧡
I love this! Thank you!
Thanks so much, Patricia!
Thanks Rey! Great perspective to share!
Thanks so much for reading and commenting!