How to survive the holidays with family (if you're LGBTQ+)

Holidays shouldn't have a gender, but somehow, they do

Many people dread attending family holiday events, especially if they are LGBTQ+. If this resonates, you are not alone. I’ll share some tips for how to survive the holidays with family if you’re LGBTQ+ in this post.

What do holidays have to do with gender?

Holidays are not inherently gendered, but like so many of our traditions, holidays tend to involve gendered behavior. Consider: who cooks for holidays in your family? Who cleans the house before everyone shows up? Who does the grocery shopping? Who clears the plates from the table and washes the dishes? Who sits and watches football? Who chats with the cousins? Who plays with the kids?

Who brings a significant other to meet the family? Does that person get referred to as “a friend” even if they have been in a relationship for years?

What is the dress code? Do people wear dresses and suits (perhaps to go to church or temple)?

Do people gift presents in bulk, inspired by the gender of the giftee?

Do family members make comments to try to get the people they don’t see often to conform to gendered traditions?

Do people take the opportunity to share their political and moral views about LGBTQ+ people?

So yes, holidays have quite a bit to do with gender, unfortunately. If your family members are not accepting or supportive of you, I’m sorry. They should do better. Even though you should not have to deal with bullying or offensive comments, you can prepare in advance and have a plan to support yourself.

Tips for how to survive the holidays with family

• Decide if you even want to go. “Friendsgiving” is a great alternative to family Thanksgiving, for example. If the pain you may experience by attending a family event outweighs the benefits, for you, you are empowered to not go.

• Consider coming out before the holiday event, not during it. Coming out during a stressful, chaotic party is generally a lot for everyone involved. Giving folks a heads up in writing or over the phone can let them have some time to think and give you a more reasonable reaction that’s not in the moment.

• If you are out to some of the family, but not to others, give the folks you’re out to a heads up. Tell them not to out you to others, if that’s what you would prefer.

• Even if you are careful, people get outed at family gatherings often. It can feel like the worst thing in the world, at the time. Perhaps you can take comfort in the fact you’re far from the only one this has happened to.

• Reach out to a supportive friend before, during, and after your family holiday event. Let them know you have some stress about your family holiday and you’d like to check in with them if that’s okay. If you don’t have a supportive friend, post to an online group, Discord server, etc, for LGBTQ community.

• Prepare a calming distraction like a video game or book on your phone that you can retreat to if things get too stressful. Something other than social media is best.

• Pretend you’re a detached observer during conversations about your identity. You might imagine you’re a reporter, looking for quotes, or a therapist, getting paid to listen to someone rant. It’s not your responsibility to change anyone’s mind.

• It is not your responsibility to represent all gay people or all trans people. You don’t need to educate your family unless you feel comfortable doing so.

Phew - this is a lot. I'm sorry this is a stressful time and I hope you can relax, rest, and recover afterwards.

What if you’re an ally? Tips for how to support an LGBTQ+ family member:

• Don’t out anyone without their consent. If you’re not sure if someone is out to the rest of the family, ask before the event! If a family member has trusted you with a secret, don’t get so intoxicated that you are likely to let it slip.

• Keep the conversation chill and light (and not about identity). A stressful family event is not the time to ask, “so, when did you first realize you were gay,” or “what does being nonbinary mean to you.”

• Be willing to voice your support for LGBTQ+ people, if someone makes a hostile comment. This is a time for “I” statements, not “you” statements - instead of “you’re wrong and hateful,” consider, “I believe trans people should have access to the healthcare they need” or whatever is relevant to the conversation.

• Consider correcting people’s wording (if they are using old names, etc) by using the correct words yourself in your next sentence, or with a gentle reminder. “She’s called Kate now, remember? And it’s not her event with friends, it’s her wedding.”

• On the other hand, there is no need to be combative with people you suspect are never going to change. Focus on using the correct language yourself - you are doing great.

• Thank you for being supportive of your LGBTQ+ family members!

I wish you the best of luck with your family holiday events. You got this. And hey, if you have a family member who’s interested in learning more about what it’s like to be LGBTQ+, consider sharing this newsletter with them!

Thanks so much for reading! Let me know what you think in the comments.

Take care,

Rey