So, your kid came out as trans. Now what?

It's going to be okay. You got this.

Folks, I am unqualified to answer this question from a parenting perspective. I don’t have kids, I don’t take care of kids regularly, and I’ve never had a young kid come out to me as trans. Yet you all keep asking me about your trans kids (and their nonbinary partners, and their friends, etc…)

Probably the only question I am more unqualified to answer is what it’s like to be old, and that turned out to be my most popular post so far. Go figure.

However, I can share my extensive experience from listening to trans people and what I’ve learned about their relationships with parents and other family members.

Alright. So your kid came out as trans. We are going to break this down into three phases: 1. You Just Found Out, 2. We Are Figuring This Out, and 3. This is Old News. Everything is less scary if it has a process.

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Phase 1: You Just Found Out

Take a deep breath. This is going to be okay! If your kid or close family member has just come out to you, you may have a ton of thoughts and feelings. Emotions could include fear, disbelief, worry, confusion, guilt. It’s not comfortable. But it will get better.

Just because you just found out about their transness does not mean it’s a new idea for them. It could have taken months or years of research and introspection before coming out.

The best response you can give in the moment is, “thank you for letting me know and trusting me with this.”

If you are the kind of person who says these things, it would be nice to tell them you love them and support them.

Then, go process what just happened without the person who came out to you. Take a long shower and talk it out to yourself. Write in a journal. Confide in a trusted friend.

It may help to remember, many trans people are happier and healthier after coming out. Trans people are just regular people who may raise families, have successful careers, create beautiful art, learn many interesting facts, help and support their friends, fix things, etc. Being trans (especially with family and community support) is just another way to be!

Phase 2: We Are Figuring This Out

Many parents may try a “negotiation” strategy with their kid in this phase. “Maybe if I can just figure out what they really need, I can talk them out of being trans.”

This includes questions like, “why can’t you just be a girl/boy/woman/man with masculine/feminine traits?”

The parent may recall seeing the kid for years and years when they weren't expressing being trans at all, and may wish to go back to that time.

The problem is that being trans is not a choice. The kid likely tried very hard to not come out as trans before you heard anything about it. They tried to talk themselves out of it. And it didn't work. And then they tried to accept themself. And then they came out.

If you want to maintain a good, supportive relationship with the kid, don't try to talk them out of it. If being trans is a phase for them (spoiler: 98% chance it won't be) they can figure that out on their own.

So what questions are okay to ask? Here are some examples:

“Would you like me to refer to you differently? Do you have a new name or different pronouns now?”

“Is it okay if I still call you my daughter, or is there another word (like child or son) you’d like me to use instead?”

A trans person may not want you to change the way you refer to them right away. They may not be out to other family members, their friends, their workplace or their community, and to remain safe they don’t want you to say anything different. It’s worth asking these kind of questions again in a couple months.

“Do you want to style your hair differently or wear different clothes? Would you like any help with that?”

Letting your kid know it’s okay with you if they look different can be very supportive.

You may have some fears about what gender-affirming health care might mean and how your kid’s body might change. First of all, kids don’t get those kind of surgeries. That’s a scare tactic in the news. Gender-affirming care can be as simple as supportive talk therapy. Puberty blockers are an (expensive, not very accessible) medication used to delay puberty. Puberty blockers were invented for and used for cis kids if they start puberty too early. If your kid is older (late teens or adult), they may have access to gender-affirming hormone therapy (estrogen or testosterone).

Remember, your kid’s body is not your body. Especially if they are now over 18, they will likely want to make their own choices.

It’s a very individual decision what kind of gender-affirming care will improve the life of a trans person. The vast majority of people who receive gender-affirming care are happy with their decision. Some couldn’t imagine living any other way. Try to hold off on your judgment until you see if your kid is happier and healthier with appropriate medical treatment. My guess is they will be!

Phase 3: This is Old News

Months have passed. The kid now expects you to use their correct name, pronouns, and other gendered words when talking about them. You may still find it hard. It takes months or years to rewrite memories, habits, and patterns. You’re not alone in this.

Practicing the correct way to speak about your kid (while they’re not there) is the single most important thing you can do to get it right. Even though they don’t hear you practicing, believe me, they know, and they appreciate you.

Even though their transness may now be old news to you, the coming out process is never over. You may be pulled into those complications also. You may consider whether to tell your other relatives, your friends, etc. (Ask the trans person if it’s okay to share with those people, otherwise that is outing them without their consent!)

What can you do to be supportive? Use their correct name and pronouns. If you are legitimately doing that most of the time, you can consider other nice gestures. Ask them if they want to go shopping at a thrift store with you to try on some new masculine or feminine clothes. Read a book to learn more about transness. I highly recommend He/She/They: How We Talk About Gender and Why It Matters by Schuyler Bailar (Amazon affiliate link). Watch Disclosure on Netflix, a documentary tearing down the transphobic tropes in so many popular movies.

If you’re reading all this, I can tell—you are supportive and loving—which is more than many relatives of trans people manage to do. You’re doing great!

How can I learn more about the experience of raising a trans kid?

Podcast: How to be a Girl: Daily Life with My Transgender Daughter

This podcast is created by a mom whose kid came out as transgender at a very young age. It’s great to hear the confidence of her daughter in talking about who she is and what she wants, and the support and love of the mom.

Podcast: Dear Schuyler: How can coaches support trans athletes?

In this episode, Schuyler Bailar interviews his two swimming coaches at Harvard who helped him through the process of coming out as trans while he was joining the Division 1 swim team at age 18.

Thank you for being supportive of your trans kid! I appreciate you, and they appreciate you!

Thanks so much for reading! Let me know what you think in the comments.

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Take care,

Rey