We learn to identify our own gender. “How do you know you’re nonbinary?” (or trans, etc, etc) I just know. I’m going to tell you a story to help you understand how strongly I know this about myself.
Thanks for this, Rey. One thing I love about the answer "I just know" is that it centers the self who knows as the authority. It denies any assumption that the one who knows owes anyone else proof, or explanation, or engagement in debate about it. To me, this is one of the foundational cornerstones of liberation: I know who I am, and I don't owe anyone else proof that I have come by that knowledge in a way that they would approve of. Because in the end, it is none of my business how you came to know who you are. It is not my place to question who you know yourself to be. Any doubts, fears, judgements, dissonance that I experience when you tell me who you are is mine to grapple with, and is in no way an indication that you might be wrong about who you are. And, as the doctor in your story says, what if you are right? If my concern about your declaration about who you say you are is that you might do yourself harm by following a path that relies on an erroneous assessment, then I should also think intently about how much harm it will do you if you are right, and others refuse to respect and honor that. To my mind, it is best to err on the side of honoring you as the best authority on you. You get to decide who you are, and you owe me no explanation.
love this essay. made me revisit one i wrote ages ago for them for my own answer: "To me, identifying as a woman feels like a final answer to a question I didn’t hear properly but have to know the answer to in order to leave the room. It’s not even the answer that gets me the most points, but it’s the only one I was taught. I know I’m genderqueer like I know there’s gallons of blood in me. It’s a fact as much as a feeling, but not something I could easily prove because it would be to my detriment as much as for the inquisitor's enjoyment."
Wow, I love this, Arabelle, and I'd love to read the whole essay if it's online. Thanks so much for sharing.
Made me think of how in science we learn to take things apart to understand them, destroying them to figure out what they are. That may have a time and a place but is not the right approach for investigating who a person is.
Such a powerful way of describing how we're being coerced into giving one binary gender answer, regardless of who we actually are. Thank you.
"The first black student to be admitted to Louisiana State University (LSU) was Roy S. Wilson, who enrolled in the law school in 1950"
A Black quarterback won the Heisman Trophy yesterday. We have come a long way. We have come a long way, and we have a long way to go yet. The power of cultural constructs does not make them right, not by a long shot.
We are who we are, and we owe no allegiance to cultural constructs. They are designed to serve those deluded few who desire to control us, by dividing us into what serves the few, ignorant, heirs to, well, everything.
We can grow beyond our programming and become fully human, or we can spin in the mass delusion of want and anger. I need a lot of time sitting, to stay out of that vortex; steady practice, rest, good food, hydration, exercise.
Thanks for this, Rey. One thing I love about the answer "I just know" is that it centers the self who knows as the authority. It denies any assumption that the one who knows owes anyone else proof, or explanation, or engagement in debate about it. To me, this is one of the foundational cornerstones of liberation: I know who I am, and I don't owe anyone else proof that I have come by that knowledge in a way that they would approve of. Because in the end, it is none of my business how you came to know who you are. It is not my place to question who you know yourself to be. Any doubts, fears, judgements, dissonance that I experience when you tell me who you are is mine to grapple with, and is in no way an indication that you might be wrong about who you are. And, as the doctor in your story says, what if you are right? If my concern about your declaration about who you say you are is that you might do yourself harm by following a path that relies on an erroneous assessment, then I should also think intently about how much harm it will do you if you are right, and others refuse to respect and honor that. To my mind, it is best to err on the side of honoring you as the best authority on you. You get to decide who you are, and you owe me no explanation.
Thanks, LC, for your powerfully written insights. I love this - "I know who I am, and I don't owe anyone else proof." That resonates so much for me.
Oml that was beautiful. So amazingly well said
love this essay. made me revisit one i wrote ages ago for them for my own answer: "To me, identifying as a woman feels like a final answer to a question I didn’t hear properly but have to know the answer to in order to leave the room. It’s not even the answer that gets me the most points, but it’s the only one I was taught. I know I’m genderqueer like I know there’s gallons of blood in me. It’s a fact as much as a feeling, but not something I could easily prove because it would be to my detriment as much as for the inquisitor's enjoyment."
Wow, I love this, Arabelle, and I'd love to read the whole essay if it's online. Thanks so much for sharing.
Made me think of how in science we learn to take things apart to understand them, destroying them to figure out what they are. That may have a time and a place but is not the right approach for investigating who a person is.
Such a powerful way of describing how we're being coerced into giving one binary gender answer, regardless of who we actually are. Thank you.
Here is the full essay! I’m glad it speaks to you: https://www.them.us/story/my-gender-is-mind-your-business
"The first black student to be admitted to Louisiana State University (LSU) was Roy S. Wilson, who enrolled in the law school in 1950"
A Black quarterback won the Heisman Trophy yesterday. We have come a long way. We have come a long way, and we have a long way to go yet. The power of cultural constructs does not make them right, not by a long shot.
We are who we are, and we owe no allegiance to cultural constructs. They are designed to serve those deluded few who desire to control us, by dividing us into what serves the few, ignorant, heirs to, well, everything.
But not how we manage our psyches.
Thanks so much for sharing, Andrew! I appreciate you saying the power of cultural constructs does not make them right. Absolutely. Well said.
We can grow beyond our programming and become fully human, or we can spin in the mass delusion of want and anger. I need a lot of time sitting, to stay out of that vortex; steady practice, rest, good food, hydration, exercise.
Got to take care of ourselves when society isn't taking care of us!