If you're not a man or woman, what else is there? What does nonbinary mean? You might be curious about what makes me nonbinary, or how that differs from being a woman or man. You perhaps can’t envision another gender identity other than woman or man.
I, too, often find myself explaining my nonbinary identity in "not this" terms more than in concrete ways. And as a person who feels most comfortable with a masculine presentation and he/him pronouns, I'm almost always assumed to be a binary transman. And that's okay. Describing how being a third gender feels when our social systems and vocabulary are steeped in binary is HARD.
Thanks for sharing, Robin! That makes a lot of sense. If most people assume everyone fits on one side of the binary or the other, I feel like you kind of have to use "not this" language to try to explain there are other options out there. It is hard to describe, like you said!!
Oct 29, 2023·edited Oct 29, 2023Liked by Rey Katz (they/them)
I credit you for your gracious explanation of non-binary Rey. I am not well versed in it, but I seek increased learning. I do see this a lot within the autistic community. However, despite the correlation in research, they are still two separate identities.
It is interesting for me, as a late-diagnosed autistic person, to consider and reflect on my gender, all aspects of fluidity, and my biological sex. Yes, I identify as female biologically and now as gender by choice (I ironically did lose most of my womb, though surgically).
But I know I did not see gender as a child or teenager; I just saw people, and I could seldom identify any LGBTQIA person then or now, which to me was a good thing to see just humans. Still, back then, I got accused of being naive. I loved anything related to cross-dressing and things like the Rocky Horror Picture Show, which I also know has nothing to do with being non-binary or transgender. Again, I got remarks about my hyperinterest in all of this.
I never played with female-gender toys as a child; I played with neutral teddy bears and Domino's Rally. Barbies and baby dolls I had no interest in, but gender is meant to be fluid on some levels, I imagine, in childhood.
My parents never truly enforced any toys on me, but funny enough dad gave me an action man after I said I wanted one. I have always been a tomboy and get along better with men.
I became conditioned from my late teens until my 30s into being excessively feminine to the point of exhaustion. It was when I hit my late thirties that I realised I needed not necessarily to identify as non-binary as such but rather to access my feminine and masculine nature. I did exactly that, working the feminine masculine energy to complement my whole self with it all, and ironically, I have noticed more criticism about the masculine elements of it by choosing to lift heavy weights and having more muscle on me than I ever did about the feminine. I am happy with my female identity, which is genuinely 70%, and most of my gender I embrace contently now by choice.
But some people are never happy, but I love myself for choosing me. Thanks for sharing. I know there is so much toxicity online and offline, and even within the LGBTQIA community itself, with personal views, it's the same within the neurodivergent space at times. Still, yeah, if it's not doing anyone else any harm, they can all **** off.
Thanks very much for sharing your experience, Pauline!
I didn't think that deeply about gender as a child, and I think part of that was I was confused by many social norms in general. I didn't link "not fitting in" to my gender at the time, and frankly looking back I think my uncomfortable social skills and confusion made a bigger impact on me growing up than my gender expression.
I started having a more masculine expression in my late twenties, coming out as nonbinary around age 28 or so (I'm 33 now). I'm happy with that, and I think it needed to take that long for me to figure things out to some extent.
I am glad that you explored your feminine and masculine nature and expression and found something you are satisfied with! I appreciate your support.
Your comment is quite interesting, and demonstrates your open-minded approach to gender, which is relatively rare. A lot of what you are describing sounds like you are questioning gender *roles* more so than gender *expression* or identity. This is a diffentiation that is also hard to explain, but think of roles as being cultural expectation based on your perceived gender, expression as how you express yourself as relates to gender ("tomboy" might fit here, though that might also fall under roles). Who you feel like you are (for example, what pronouns feel like the best fit for you) is your identity. These things are all intertwined to some extent, but are also distinct.
Nothing to add, great to see your journey, except--finding a $200 pair of boots in a trash pile is so Bay Area..oh man, I miss that. Nothing like that happens here in Vancouver or most places I think..even the thrift stores there are exponentially beyond anything I've ever seen in Canada.
This is such a great conversation to have. I have identified as non- binary for a long time (and I use they/them pronouns), but have recently started to feel like agender is a better fit for me. It's interesting that some people asking you questions thought non-binary means no gender. I've tried using an analogy about shoes that some people have found helpful:
Imagine if there was an expectation that, based on what they decided when you were born, you would wear either high heels or work boots your whole life, and never any other kind of shoe. The cultural understanding is that there aren't any other kinds of shoes. There may be a few different types of work boots, and a few different styles of high heels, but if it's not a work boot or a high heel, it's not a shoe.
Binary cis people are happy wearing the type of shoe they were assigned, and never really have to think much about it.
Binary trans people realize at some point that the shoe type they were assigned doesn't fit their feet, and they only feel ok with the other of the two acceptable shoe types.
Non-binary, gender fluid, genderqueer, or any other gender identity people feel a need to wear a different type of shoe entirely (a sandal? a boot with a heel? a ballet slipper?), and/or what type of shoe fits their feet might be different at different times.
Agender people don't wear shoes at all, and are only comfortable going barefoot.
I love this analogy, LC! Thanks for sharing! I particularly like that everyone can imagine the discomfort of wearing a shoe the wrong size or shape, and how it might feel a lot better to slip on the right shoe for you. I, personally, think my gender is a sneaker :)
Thanks Rey! So well written and informative. Recently an acquaintance asked me what's the difference between gender and sex. I just said it's the brain versus the reproductive parts. I know that's crude and I appreciate your flushing it out. Thanks again!
I, too, often find myself explaining my nonbinary identity in "not this" terms more than in concrete ways. And as a person who feels most comfortable with a masculine presentation and he/him pronouns, I'm almost always assumed to be a binary transman. And that's okay. Describing how being a third gender feels when our social systems and vocabulary are steeped in binary is HARD.
Just removed a hateful comment. Sorry if you saw it. We support trans people here.
Thankfully I didn't see it, and I appreciate you moderating this space for all of us.
Thanks for sharing, Robin! That makes a lot of sense. If most people assume everyone fits on one side of the binary or the other, I feel like you kind of have to use "not this" language to try to explain there are other options out there. It is hard to describe, like you said!!
I credit you for your gracious explanation of non-binary Rey. I am not well versed in it, but I seek increased learning. I do see this a lot within the autistic community. However, despite the correlation in research, they are still two separate identities.
It is interesting for me, as a late-diagnosed autistic person, to consider and reflect on my gender, all aspects of fluidity, and my biological sex. Yes, I identify as female biologically and now as gender by choice (I ironically did lose most of my womb, though surgically).
But I know I did not see gender as a child or teenager; I just saw people, and I could seldom identify any LGBTQIA person then or now, which to me was a good thing to see just humans. Still, back then, I got accused of being naive. I loved anything related to cross-dressing and things like the Rocky Horror Picture Show, which I also know has nothing to do with being non-binary or transgender. Again, I got remarks about my hyperinterest in all of this.
I never played with female-gender toys as a child; I played with neutral teddy bears and Domino's Rally. Barbies and baby dolls I had no interest in, but gender is meant to be fluid on some levels, I imagine, in childhood.
My parents never truly enforced any toys on me, but funny enough dad gave me an action man after I said I wanted one. I have always been a tomboy and get along better with men.
I became conditioned from my late teens until my 30s into being excessively feminine to the point of exhaustion. It was when I hit my late thirties that I realised I needed not necessarily to identify as non-binary as such but rather to access my feminine and masculine nature. I did exactly that, working the feminine masculine energy to complement my whole self with it all, and ironically, I have noticed more criticism about the masculine elements of it by choosing to lift heavy weights and having more muscle on me than I ever did about the feminine. I am happy with my female identity, which is genuinely 70%, and most of my gender I embrace contently now by choice.
But some people are never happy, but I love myself for choosing me. Thanks for sharing. I know there is so much toxicity online and offline, and even within the LGBTQIA community itself, with personal views, it's the same within the neurodivergent space at times. Still, yeah, if it's not doing anyone else any harm, they can all **** off.
Have a good week ahead.
Thanks very much for sharing your experience, Pauline!
I didn't think that deeply about gender as a child, and I think part of that was I was confused by many social norms in general. I didn't link "not fitting in" to my gender at the time, and frankly looking back I think my uncomfortable social skills and confusion made a bigger impact on me growing up than my gender expression.
I started having a more masculine expression in my late twenties, coming out as nonbinary around age 28 or so (I'm 33 now). I'm happy with that, and I think it needed to take that long for me to figure things out to some extent.
I am glad that you explored your feminine and masculine nature and expression and found something you are satisfied with! I appreciate your support.
Your comment is quite interesting, and demonstrates your open-minded approach to gender, which is relatively rare. A lot of what you are describing sounds like you are questioning gender *roles* more so than gender *expression* or identity. This is a diffentiation that is also hard to explain, but think of roles as being cultural expectation based on your perceived gender, expression as how you express yourself as relates to gender ("tomboy" might fit here, though that might also fall under roles). Who you feel like you are (for example, what pronouns feel like the best fit for you) is your identity. These things are all intertwined to some extent, but are also distinct.
Nothing to add, great to see your journey, except--finding a $200 pair of boots in a trash pile is so Bay Area..oh man, I miss that. Nothing like that happens here in Vancouver or most places I think..even the thrift stores there are exponentially beyond anything I've ever seen in Canada.
Heh, the trash piles are indeed a bay area phenomenon! Sorry the thrift stores and sidewalks aren't quite as interesting in your new location...
This is such a great conversation to have. I have identified as non- binary for a long time (and I use they/them pronouns), but have recently started to feel like agender is a better fit for me. It's interesting that some people asking you questions thought non-binary means no gender. I've tried using an analogy about shoes that some people have found helpful:
Imagine if there was an expectation that, based on what they decided when you were born, you would wear either high heels or work boots your whole life, and never any other kind of shoe. The cultural understanding is that there aren't any other kinds of shoes. There may be a few different types of work boots, and a few different styles of high heels, but if it's not a work boot or a high heel, it's not a shoe.
Binary cis people are happy wearing the type of shoe they were assigned, and never really have to think much about it.
Binary trans people realize at some point that the shoe type they were assigned doesn't fit their feet, and they only feel ok with the other of the two acceptable shoe types.
Non-binary, gender fluid, genderqueer, or any other gender identity people feel a need to wear a different type of shoe entirely (a sandal? a boot with a heel? a ballet slipper?), and/or what type of shoe fits their feet might be different at different times.
Agender people don't wear shoes at all, and are only comfortable going barefoot.
I love this analogy, LC! Thanks for sharing! I particularly like that everyone can imagine the discomfort of wearing a shoe the wrong size or shape, and how it might feel a lot better to slip on the right shoe for you. I, personally, think my gender is a sneaker :)
Sneakers are the best!
Thanks Rey! So well written and informative. Recently an acquaintance asked me what's the difference between gender and sex. I just said it's the brain versus the reproductive parts. I know that's crude and I appreciate your flushing it out. Thanks again!
Thanks very much for reading and for your kind feedback!
Parent of trans kid who has a non-binary them friend (if that is a term): thank you.
Just removed a hateful comment. I apologize if you got a notification. We support trans kids and their parents here.
I didn't see it. Probably for the best! Those people are sad.
Thanks for reading, Alle! I appreciate you, and thanks for being a great parent.
I have not heard "them friend" before. I suspect many people would say either 'non-binary friend' or 'non-binary partner'?
Thanks very much for sharing, Patricia! I think this is a great way of explaining how transness is a "real" thing within our bodies.