What to do if you're asked about a trans person

"How's your niece doing?" Uh oh. They don't know.

What if someone doesn’t know your friend/cousin/son/mother/etc came out as trans?

You’re just chatting, catching up with an old friend, and they ask you about someone, considerately, just curious how they’re doing.

But they use the wrong name or other words. Son instead of daughter. Girlfriend. Sister. Nephew. Grandson.

Uh oh.

No one told them.

So you’re in a sticky situation and it may feel super awkward.

Do you out the trans person? How do you talk about them without using the wrong name and other words? What if this person reacts negatively to you telling them about a trans person?

It’s complicated and in my experience, is an awkward situation to navigate. But since it’s something that comes up often for friends and family members of trans people, I wanted to address the issue.

I first want to acknowledge and hold space for the discomfort of having to decide whether to come out on someone’s behalf, and how best to represent them.

Anticipating that this situation may arise, you can ask the trans person if they have guidance for you. “Do you want me to use your new name and pronouns with my other friends if they ask about you?”

If you know the trans person is closeted in some areas of their life, not out to family, friends, or certain communities, err on the side of not outing them to a person who doesn’t know yet. It can be incredibly dangerous and upsetting for this kind of secret to be leaked before the right time.

Outing a trans person without their consent is a violation. It strips away their agency to explain themselves on their own terms, in their own time.

On the other hand, if this person generally has gone public with a name change, if it’s posted on the internet and if they are out to their family and out at work and out to their friends, go ahead and give a brief explanation for anyone who hasn’t heard the news yet.

Don’t get me wrong, the explanation feels awkward even for me, a person who has changed their name and gone public with it. Coming out (even if it’s on someone else’s behalf) is hard.

But I believe in you. You can do it.

If someone asks you, “How is your uncle doing?” Your reply could be something like this: “Oh, um, she is transgender and is living as a woman now. Her new name is Emily. Emily is doing well and has a new job that she enjoys.”

I haven’t gotten a highly negative response to this kind of explanation (yet). Even people who are skeptical about the hypothetical idea of trans people and their rights tend to be more accommodating when it’s someone they know and care about.

Actually, one response I often get, when I tell people about someone else’s trans-ness, is the recognition that this is not new information. A surprising number of people hear about someone’s new name, or new gender expression, and then forget entirely, until the next time someone tells them. So it’s more of a reminder.

What if you hear an explanation of someone being trans from someone else? I think the best kind of reply is, “Oh, that’s cool. I didn’t know that, thanks for letting me know.” Chill and understanding.

This is a great way to be an ally to trans people, either by respecting their privacy and revealing nothing or helping spread the news of how best to refer to them.

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Thanks so much for reading! Let me know what you think in the comments.

Take care,

Rey