First, it hit me hard when I read “And it is coming out, over and over again….” I hear you. As a het/cis ally, I need to see this kind of truth from time to time; it’s not something I have to deal with, and you deal with it all the time.
I chuckled at some of your suggests for how to answer the question “boy or girl?” I’d be tempted to say, “Wow. Interesting question. Why do you ask?”
I appreciate the creative thought you put into trouble-shooting this sticky wicket. I wonder when the day will come that we've decolonized gender to a good enough extent so that people no longer feel threatened by ambiguity and this is no longer an issue. Sadly, that day still seems quite a ways off, so the reality we're working with does seem to call for us to find the sweet spot -- or maybe the least sour spot -- between safety and respect. Thanks for trying to help locate that spot.
Thanks so much for reading and commenting, Keith! Threatened by ambiguity is a great way to put it. I don't think our society is ready to give up the control of enforcing a gender binary. But hopefully we are gradually moving in that direction.
Wonderful post, Rey. My son had his first relationship two summers ago. The object of his affection was nonbinary. When Casey came to visit us, interacting with them was the first time I really understood on a felt-sense level what "nonbinary" means. I'd always been supportive of nonbinary people.and of their lives -- as a concept. Interacting with Casey really cracked open my understanding. I th ink the answer is that everyone should have relationships with nonbinary people.
Thanks for reading and sharing your experience, Alle! My first relationship with a nonbinary person really changed me in a positive way, changing that concept into a strongly felt reality like you said. I appreciate you!
Thanks for this essay, Rey! Both of my kids are nonbinary. It's interesting conversation with my mom friends who have binary trans kids. There aren't easy ways to hide (when it's necessary for safety) all the time as a nonbinary person without being painfully misgendered. When people ask me if my kids are boys or girls I always reply "neither and both." They usually don't ask more questions, and I always use their correct they/them pronouns, so I think people get my drift to not bring it up again.
Such great information, helping people to understand how to overcome the binary and refer to your loved ones and friends in a way that honors them. Thanks, Rey!
Great newsletter! I'm glad to have these posts to share with gender and queer history students at my public university. Your solutions are so practical and compassionate. I'm 54 and queer and what I call mixie gendered and, to use an old word, a virago. A butch in the '90s, I have responded to toxic masculinity by not wanting to identify with masculinity at all. I still use she her pronouns. I love women and being a woman. But if I were young today I would probably be a they. I've been so grateful for non-binary students who helped me revision the gendered world simply by requesting I use new pronouns for them. Before transgender became so associated with body modification and legal identities, I used to identify as transgender. That meant I moved along a continuum. Fluidity is still how I experience my embodiment and gender expression. The history of the terminology we queer folk use is rich and full of challenges to the status quo. For a while it was kind of a playground. Sad that it is so politicized that revision is contested, hypervisible, and dangerous. Thank you for being a teacher and advocate in this challenging present. I found you on Q-Stack!!
F-ck these conservatives who have an issue. In my opinion worrying about somebody else's gender identification is a dangerous mental illness. And frequently a tell that these -ssholes have their own closet issues.
First, it hit me hard when I read “And it is coming out, over and over again….” I hear you. As a het/cis ally, I need to see this kind of truth from time to time; it’s not something I have to deal with, and you deal with it all the time.
I chuckled at some of your suggests for how to answer the question “boy or girl?” I’d be tempted to say, “Wow. Interesting question. Why do you ask?”
Thanks so much for reading, Robin, and for your thoughtfulness! I appreciate you!
I appreciate the creative thought you put into trouble-shooting this sticky wicket. I wonder when the day will come that we've decolonized gender to a good enough extent so that people no longer feel threatened by ambiguity and this is no longer an issue. Sadly, that day still seems quite a ways off, so the reality we're working with does seem to call for us to find the sweet spot -- or maybe the least sour spot -- between safety and respect. Thanks for trying to help locate that spot.
Thanks so much for reading and commenting, Keith! Threatened by ambiguity is a great way to put it. I don't think our society is ready to give up the control of enforcing a gender binary. But hopefully we are gradually moving in that direction.
Wonderful post, Rey. My son had his first relationship two summers ago. The object of his affection was nonbinary. When Casey came to visit us, interacting with them was the first time I really understood on a felt-sense level what "nonbinary" means. I'd always been supportive of nonbinary people.and of their lives -- as a concept. Interacting with Casey really cracked open my understanding. I th ink the answer is that everyone should have relationships with nonbinary people.
Thanks for reading and sharing your experience, Alle! My first relationship with a nonbinary person really changed me in a positive way, changing that concept into a strongly felt reality like you said. I appreciate you!
I appreciate you, too!
Excellent work Rey, really great piece!
Thanks so much for reading and your kind feedback, Sydney!
having to validate your own existence is never going to be simple
For sure, well said. Thanks very much for reading!
Thanks for this essay, Rey! Both of my kids are nonbinary. It's interesting conversation with my mom friends who have binary trans kids. There aren't easy ways to hide (when it's necessary for safety) all the time as a nonbinary person without being painfully misgendered. When people ask me if my kids are boys or girls I always reply "neither and both." They usually don't ask more questions, and I always use their correct they/them pronouns, so I think people get my drift to not bring it up again.
Thanks for reading and sharing your experience, Sarah! That's great that you are so supportive of your kids. Thank you!
Such great information, helping people to understand how to overcome the binary and refer to your loved ones and friends in a way that honors them. Thanks, Rey!
Thank you so much, Mr. Troy! I appreciate you!
Great newsletter! I'm glad to have these posts to share with gender and queer history students at my public university. Your solutions are so practical and compassionate. I'm 54 and queer and what I call mixie gendered and, to use an old word, a virago. A butch in the '90s, I have responded to toxic masculinity by not wanting to identify with masculinity at all. I still use she her pronouns. I love women and being a woman. But if I were young today I would probably be a they. I've been so grateful for non-binary students who helped me revision the gendered world simply by requesting I use new pronouns for them. Before transgender became so associated with body modification and legal identities, I used to identify as transgender. That meant I moved along a continuum. Fluidity is still how I experience my embodiment and gender expression. The history of the terminology we queer folk use is rich and full of challenges to the status quo. For a while it was kind of a playground. Sad that it is so politicized that revision is contested, hypervisible, and dangerous. Thank you for being a teacher and advocate in this challenging present. I found you on Q-Stack!!
Thanks so much for reading and sharing your experience, Heather! I love that you have figured out what words best describe your identity.
F-ck these conservatives who have an issue. In my opinion worrying about somebody else's gender identification is a dangerous mental illness. And frequently a tell that these -ssholes have their own closet issues.