It's going to be okay. You got this. So your kid came out as trans. We are going to break this down into three phases: 1. You Just Found Out, 2. We Are Figuring This Out, and 3. This is Old News. Everything is less scary if it has a process.
Ah, thank you so much for bringing that comment to my attention, LC. I feel bad that I missed it earlier today. It is now deleted. I appreciate you helping me moderate.
we did this in Abilene, TX. 2 trans kids. 1 does not present has done no gender-affirming treatment, the other has.
the MAIN thing: your kid knows. as hard as it is to even consider coming out, if they are discussing it with you, FIRST, take a deep breath and realize that means they trust you enough. SECOND, listen. hug as needed. look around for support groups. and, if your kid knows, you probably do too. it will be ok.
found pockets of support, and the expected swaths of ass-holery.
Kid wound up bailing on high school here to go to early college, because most of school district and staff was NOT supportive despite mouthing the words. (despite kid being objectively and qualitatively amazing).
As a trans parent of 2 kids (1 cis and 1 trans) it can also be important to have all of these same discussions with all kids in the family. Being open to discussions about gender expression with kids helps them develop agency over their own gender expression as well as a vocabulary and confidence to talk about these things with others.
I recall when our daughter (then aged 16) came out as trans. I’m pleased to report we managed the “thank you for telling us this” bit – less proud of the minutes’ long stunned silence that preceded it.
But based on my own experience, your first priority as a parent is to get up that learning curve as quickly as possible so you can show up for your child without delay. So get yourselves informed, *fast*. K had planned this for a long time, and she was able to start presenting as a girl and using her chosen name from the very next day. I’m glad that my spouse and I were able to support her in that from day one. Reading books like CN Lester’s Trans Like Me (which I read literally overnight, having bought it at 3 am after K had gone to bed) was the start of that process for me.
[TW: reference to suicide stats in this paragraph] And if there’s one piece of information that confirmed us in the decision we’d already made to support her – I can’t imagine how any parent could make a different choice, but I know plenty do, sadly – it was when I saw the statistics that CN Lester cites about the proportion of all trans youths who attempt suicide (which I’m not going to state, but which we all know are truly horrifying), versus the proportion of those whose parents support them (which is basically the same as the background population). Supporting K was already non-negotiable for us, but that made it doubly non-negotiable.
Whatever your views on “snowplough parents”, having a trans child makes it absolutely necessary that you become one. You’ll need to fight and push to get them the help they need, from changes of name to navigating any medical options (if that is the path they want to go down) to taking responsibility for educating your own friends and family members.
The next piece of advice is: while your immediate priority is supporting your child, you *will* need to "deal with your own stuff" at some point, especially your hangups about gender – and almost anyone old enough to be a parent in the English-speaking world *will* have hangups about gender – and you shouldn’t take too long about doing so. Once we’d got through the first phase of legal form-filling and all the rest of it, E & I both had periods of therapy – in my case, still continuing after more than two years (though that’s because “my own stuff” has included coming out as bi, being diagnosed as AuDHD, and now I’m in the process of coming out as nonbinary).
A final piece of advice I used to give, but am now more ambivalent about is: don’t wait for your child to come out before you get yourself informed. That’s the one thing I regret myself, especially as I had had *some* inkling that this was a possibility (but chose the path of “ignore it and maybe it’ll go away”). The reason I’m ambivalent is that, if I *had* got myself “informed" without the immediate crisis of supporting our daughter to guide me, I could have fallen prey to the gender critical writers and activists who prey on frightened and ignorant parents with talk of “rapid-onset gender dysphoria”, “social contagion” and “irreversible harm”.
So my advice now is: get yourself informed, but know from the start that there is no “both sides” to this, no “debate” over the reality of trans existence, or over the protection of trans people's rights and the enabling of their flourishing. Trans people exist, trans children and youths exist, trans rights are human rights, and if what you’re “informing” yourself with doesn’t take that as axiomatic then you are just making yourself more ignorant, and potentially a danger to your child (or, even if your child turns out to be cis, to their trans and nonbinary friends and classmates)
As a parent myself, this is amazing. Very well written! Empathetic, factual, kind, and practical.
I too, am trying to reach parents to help them accept their trans kid. I think you nailed it far better than my efforts in this one article! Good for you, job well done!
I hope this reaches parents *before* they fall down the 'gender-critical' path.
Thank you so much for your kind feedback! I am glad my article resonates with you.
This is one of those topics where it's great to have many voices sharing a positive and respectful perspective. I'm really glad you write about this also!
I just removed a few hateful comments from a person I just blocked. I apologize if you saw them before I was able to moderate.
We support trans kids and their parents here.
There appears to be another on your "What Does Nonbinary Mean" article. I flagged them for your convenience.
Ah, thank you so much for bringing that comment to my attention, LC. I feel bad that I missed it earlier today. It is now deleted. I appreciate you helping me moderate.
Glad to help!
we did this in Abilene, TX. 2 trans kids. 1 does not present has done no gender-affirming treatment, the other has.
the MAIN thing: your kid knows. as hard as it is to even consider coming out, if they are discussing it with you, FIRST, take a deep breath and realize that means they trust you enough. SECOND, listen. hug as needed. look around for support groups. and, if your kid knows, you probably do too. it will be ok.
found pockets of support, and the expected swaths of ass-holery.
Kid wound up bailing on high school here to go to early college, because most of school district and staff was NOT supportive despite mouthing the words. (despite kid being objectively and qualitatively amazing).
Thank you for being supportive and there for your kids! Great advice, especially realizing they trust you enough to share and "hug as needed." Yes!!
As a trans parent of 2 kids (1 cis and 1 trans) it can also be important to have all of these same discussions with all kids in the family. Being open to discussions about gender expression with kids helps them develop agency over their own gender expression as well as a vocabulary and confidence to talk about these things with others.
Robin, such an excellent point, thank you for sharing. 💜
I recall when our daughter (then aged 16) came out as trans. I’m pleased to report we managed the “thank you for telling us this” bit – less proud of the minutes’ long stunned silence that preceded it.
But based on my own experience, your first priority as a parent is to get up that learning curve as quickly as possible so you can show up for your child without delay. So get yourselves informed, *fast*. K had planned this for a long time, and she was able to start presenting as a girl and using her chosen name from the very next day. I’m glad that my spouse and I were able to support her in that from day one. Reading books like CN Lester’s Trans Like Me (which I read literally overnight, having bought it at 3 am after K had gone to bed) was the start of that process for me.
[TW: reference to suicide stats in this paragraph] And if there’s one piece of information that confirmed us in the decision we’d already made to support her – I can’t imagine how any parent could make a different choice, but I know plenty do, sadly – it was when I saw the statistics that CN Lester cites about the proportion of all trans youths who attempt suicide (which I’m not going to state, but which we all know are truly horrifying), versus the proportion of those whose parents support them (which is basically the same as the background population). Supporting K was already non-negotiable for us, but that made it doubly non-negotiable.
Whatever your views on “snowplough parents”, having a trans child makes it absolutely necessary that you become one. You’ll need to fight and push to get them the help they need, from changes of name to navigating any medical options (if that is the path they want to go down) to taking responsibility for educating your own friends and family members.
The next piece of advice is: while your immediate priority is supporting your child, you *will* need to "deal with your own stuff" at some point, especially your hangups about gender – and almost anyone old enough to be a parent in the English-speaking world *will* have hangups about gender – and you shouldn’t take too long about doing so. Once we’d got through the first phase of legal form-filling and all the rest of it, E & I both had periods of therapy – in my case, still continuing after more than two years (though that’s because “my own stuff” has included coming out as bi, being diagnosed as AuDHD, and now I’m in the process of coming out as nonbinary).
A final piece of advice I used to give, but am now more ambivalent about is: don’t wait for your child to come out before you get yourself informed. That’s the one thing I regret myself, especially as I had had *some* inkling that this was a possibility (but chose the path of “ignore it and maybe it’ll go away”). The reason I’m ambivalent is that, if I *had* got myself “informed" without the immediate crisis of supporting our daughter to guide me, I could have fallen prey to the gender critical writers and activists who prey on frightened and ignorant parents with talk of “rapid-onset gender dysphoria”, “social contagion” and “irreversible harm”.
So my advice now is: get yourself informed, but know from the start that there is no “both sides” to this, no “debate” over the reality of trans existence, or over the protection of trans people's rights and the enabling of their flourishing. Trans people exist, trans children and youths exist, trans rights are human rights, and if what you’re “informing” yourself with doesn’t take that as axiomatic then you are just making yourself more ignorant, and potentially a danger to your child (or, even if your child turns out to be cis, to their trans and nonbinary friends and classmates)
Jae, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and experience. It can be so helpful for other parents to understand they aren't the only ones.
I especially appreciate how you set the example and encourage parents to inform themselves about gender from good and supportive resources and people.
Thank you.
Rey,
Speaking as a cis parent, you nailed the parenting aspect here.
I love reading your thoughts
Thank you very much, Doug! I appreciate you reading my work.
As a parent myself, this is amazing. Very well written! Empathetic, factual, kind, and practical.
I too, am trying to reach parents to help them accept their trans kid. I think you nailed it far better than my efforts in this one article! Good for you, job well done!
I hope this reaches parents *before* they fall down the 'gender-critical' path.
Thank you so much for your kind feedback! I am glad my article resonates with you.
This is one of those topics where it's great to have many voices sharing a positive and respectful perspective. I'm really glad you write about this also!