Wish I had this post ten years ago, Rey. Super helpful! I get the privilege of talking about trans people and issues frequently thanks to being blessed with a sibkid who lights up my life and those around them. Usually these conversations involve gentle education and correction, but at a recent dinner out with my husband and his childhood friend (both cis het men), the conversation got more pointed around pronouns. It took a lot for me to breathe through it and lay out my thoughts. What seemed to turn it was mentioning the risk of suicide and how the idea of losing someone so incredibly loving and kind is way more of a tragedy than anyone having a “struggle” retraining their neurons around pronouns. And it’s incredibly sad to me that we have to go that far in order for others to get it, but in so many situations, we ARE talking about life and death matters.
Sorry I went dark here. All of this to say, I’m so thankful that you and others are here providing this kind of education and guidance 💛
Thanks so much for sharing, Amy! That's wonderful that you are so supportive of your sibkid (love the word sibkid too!).
That sounds like an uncomfortable conversation, I'm sorry. I've noticed that some people, even if they support and care for trans people in their life, are influenced by the harmful political rhetoric about trans people. It's almost about hypothetical trans people, nothing personal. (Except that of course political decisions affect the rights of very real people.) Thanks for doing the work to educate.
That’s an important point, Rey. I’m sure I held some harmful views myself until my sibkid came out and I started my active learning. “Getting proximate” to community is so key, but it really should come down to making space for people to be their truest selves. It’s like Alok says, “you don’t need to understand me to have compassion for me.”
Thanks, Amy. I definitely had and still have a learning process to unlearn some of the harmful stereotypes our society forces on us. I'm so impressed by your active learning and support!
Thank you for this. Back in the mid '90's, I inadvertently outed a gay coworker. I thought it was common knowledge. It was not. Talking about hard topics allows us to do better. I appreciate you!!
Thanks for reading and sharing, Anne. This is exactly the kind of story that helps people understand what to do in an awkward situation. Of course, I imagine you didn't know any better when talking about your coworker in the 90's, but perhaps by hearing stories like this other readers will learn to be careful in a situation when someone's not out yet.
Hi Rey, thanks for another great article. You are guiding many of us to be better allies. I found the vocabulary lessons to be helpful, like "sibkid" and your explaining use of pronoun "they." Please let me know if there is a recommended list of respectful terms. If not, if you're looking for a topic here someday, I bet you would do an amazing job. No pressure.
Thank you for reading and I am so glad it is helpful!
That's a great idea for a list of respectful words. I'll keep it in mind for an upcoming article. Thank you for the suggestion!
I learned "sibkid" from another commenter here, it's so great when the community learning goes both ways. I think it's a cool word - perhaps I will try to introduce it to the rest of my family sometime :)
I love how you so frequently address situations that, on the surface seem so trivial and mundane, but that actually are really important. It seems like one of the things us humans are the most afraid of is awkward interactions, and you always have advice about these situations that is both compassionate and practical. Thank you for all the wisdom you share.
Thanks so much, LC! I really appreciate your support and kind feedback.
I often churn over awkward interactions in my mind, pre-planning and developing tactics. I'm glad that this trait can be helpful to others when I describe my thoughts.
Thanks for the advice! This makes a lot of sense. If I could add one extra layer of context? When the person in question is out, but the person asking the question is someone I know to be deeply conservative and I don’t have the energy to have that conversation with them, I tend to say “Good,” or something, which does not identify gender. This is a similar response to people I’ll only ever see once asking if I have kids (with no way of knowing my children have been alienated from me, and it’s a deeply emotional topic to bring up): they get something unspecific and short.
Thanks for reading and sharing your experience, Lorelei! It can be important to preserve your energy for the conversations you actually want to have, so I can definitely relate to giving a generic response.
Thanks for reading! I definitely agree with keeping it simple and respecting someone's privacy if you're not sure how much is okay to share.
I would consider avoiding "they," however, if you're trying not to out a trans person. "They" for a specific person indicates to many people that you're referring to a trans or non-binary person.
Such kind, beautiful guidance on what can be a hard topic.
Thank you so much, Robin! I appreciate you.
Wish I had this post ten years ago, Rey. Super helpful! I get the privilege of talking about trans people and issues frequently thanks to being blessed with a sibkid who lights up my life and those around them. Usually these conversations involve gentle education and correction, but at a recent dinner out with my husband and his childhood friend (both cis het men), the conversation got more pointed around pronouns. It took a lot for me to breathe through it and lay out my thoughts. What seemed to turn it was mentioning the risk of suicide and how the idea of losing someone so incredibly loving and kind is way more of a tragedy than anyone having a “struggle” retraining their neurons around pronouns. And it’s incredibly sad to me that we have to go that far in order for others to get it, but in so many situations, we ARE talking about life and death matters.
Sorry I went dark here. All of this to say, I’m so thankful that you and others are here providing this kind of education and guidance 💛
Thanks so much for sharing, Amy! That's wonderful that you are so supportive of your sibkid (love the word sibkid too!).
That sounds like an uncomfortable conversation, I'm sorry. I've noticed that some people, even if they support and care for trans people in their life, are influenced by the harmful political rhetoric about trans people. It's almost about hypothetical trans people, nothing personal. (Except that of course political decisions affect the rights of very real people.) Thanks for doing the work to educate.
That’s an important point, Rey. I’m sure I held some harmful views myself until my sibkid came out and I started my active learning. “Getting proximate” to community is so key, but it really should come down to making space for people to be their truest selves. It’s like Alok says, “you don’t need to understand me to have compassion for me.”
Thanks, Amy. I definitely had and still have a learning process to unlearn some of the harmful stereotypes our society forces on us. I'm so impressed by your active learning and support!
Thank you for this. Back in the mid '90's, I inadvertently outed a gay coworker. I thought it was common knowledge. It was not. Talking about hard topics allows us to do better. I appreciate you!!
Thanks for reading and sharing, Anne. This is exactly the kind of story that helps people understand what to do in an awkward situation. Of course, I imagine you didn't know any better when talking about your coworker in the 90's, but perhaps by hearing stories like this other readers will learn to be careful in a situation when someone's not out yet.
Hi Rey, thanks for another great article. You are guiding many of us to be better allies. I found the vocabulary lessons to be helpful, like "sibkid" and your explaining use of pronoun "they." Please let me know if there is a recommended list of respectful terms. If not, if you're looking for a topic here someday, I bet you would do an amazing job. No pressure.
Thank you for reading and I am so glad it is helpful!
That's a great idea for a list of respectful words. I'll keep it in mind for an upcoming article. Thank you for the suggestion!
I learned "sibkid" from another commenter here, it's so great when the community learning goes both ways. I think it's a cool word - perhaps I will try to introduce it to the rest of my family sometime :)
I love how you so frequently address situations that, on the surface seem so trivial and mundane, but that actually are really important. It seems like one of the things us humans are the most afraid of is awkward interactions, and you always have advice about these situations that is both compassionate and practical. Thank you for all the wisdom you share.
Thanks so much, LC! I really appreciate your support and kind feedback.
I often churn over awkward interactions in my mind, pre-planning and developing tactics. I'm glad that this trait can be helpful to others when I describe my thoughts.
Thanks for the advice! This makes a lot of sense. If I could add one extra layer of context? When the person in question is out, but the person asking the question is someone I know to be deeply conservative and I don’t have the energy to have that conversation with them, I tend to say “Good,” or something, which does not identify gender. This is a similar response to people I’ll only ever see once asking if I have kids (with no way of knowing my children have been alienated from me, and it’s a deeply emotional topic to bring up): they get something unspecific and short.
Thanks for reading and sharing your experience, Lorelei! It can be important to preserve your energy for the conversations you actually want to have, so I can definitely relate to giving a generic response.
“How is your uncle doing?” "THEY'RE doing fine." Leave it at that if you don't know how far you can go.
Thanks for reading! I definitely agree with keeping it simple and respecting someone's privacy if you're not sure how much is okay to share.
I would consider avoiding "they," however, if you're trying not to out a trans person. "They" for a specific person indicates to many people that you're referring to a trans or non-binary person.